But she makes no sound.
She's screaming.
And she's breaking down.
woe.
Encased in a volatile passion.
The off the chart feelings violently spiking from one end to the other as if a bipolarity has been the cause.
It hasn't.
Not that I'm aware of.
Generally a happy person who is filled with rainbows, sunshine, smiles, and Unicorn farts- I truly have this hopelessness. From a psychotic standpoint: understandable. But from mine: inexcusable. annoying. relentless. painful.
After a suicide attempt, extensive rehabilitation, the discovery of devastating nerve damage, and finally feeling closer to God than ever you can see how both of these views can be true.
The nerve damage happened during birth effecting more than just a lazy lip that makes my smile look like a Nike swoosh. It effected the synapses in my brain. Deadened my |emotions| to the point where I felt only 4 things: Numb. Lonely. Frustrated. Content.
Literally.
That's it.
The "happiness" I felt was a copy of a copy of a copy- getting more faded with every weak smile, every laugh, every "I love you", every grand achievement I was supposed to feel pride from. It only made me feel fake. Like an artificial intelligence that was trying to make it in the human world but was aloof to the true differences between each being and herself.
[Feel fake] has the root |emotion| of loneliness. Which led to frustration. Which led to inevitable numbness. Numbness is where I spent a lot of time. Disassociating and letting my body go on auto-pilot so it would converse, eat, pee, sleep when it needed to and not have the brain with it. After all, all my other feelings weren't true so why would my conscious mind fret about what the body was doing when it could just shut off and float?
Twenty-two years I lived in this silent hell. Screaming. Grueling, painful, hopeless.
Think about how you think (assuming that your brain is wired correctly and you know what a genuine smile feels like and how it warms your heart and those who are around you) about your personal happiness. How it brings at least a small smirk or pulling of your brow bone to relieve a furrow. How it can make your fingers tingle and muscles loosen.
Now imagine being in a situation where you just got screwed over and learned something terrible and have nothing to do to alleviate it so you have to learn to cope. To become contented.
|emotion| .contentment.
Now imagine your entire life never feeling the warmth, never having the pleasant twinge, never having the excitement pulling at your own heartstrings to let you know that something beautiful just happened in you.
Imagine instead that it was that screwed over feeling like you'd been cheated out of something but you don't know what and you have no power to make a change in it so you put on a smile, though you don't really feel it because you know that a smile is what is required in that specific moment for that specific situation.
That is the closest I got to being "HAPPY"
Now before you go all sad sack worrying about my quality of life before this day, remember that I didn't know any different. As far as I was concerned, everyone reacted with painted faces because it's what was to be expected. In fact, it wasn't until I was sixteen that I learned that I was different and even then it was only because someone told me.
My father picked up on the fact that there was something very off about me and decided it was important to inform me of my shortcomings and disappointments.
News to me, Dad.
That's when my life tanked. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought I had been doing everything myself anyway so why allow anyone else to try and stick their dirty fingers into my open wounds? I didn't.
I fought.
Everything.
With any and all that I recognized I could.
|frustration| begat fury and malice.
|loneliness| begat singleness that I only belonged to me and no one else was allowed in.
|numbness| begat blank stares and scape goats from conversations I didn't want to listen to.
|contentment| begat the feeling that this is how I wanted it.
Never in my life would I wish this pain upon anyone. I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I was born so broken and beautiful that no one could have known that I didn't have a full life. The colors were dull. The conversations were chilly. The wonderful things that I thought I had learned were a copy of a copy of a (expletive) copy!!!
How do I feel about this now?
Cheated.
I will live the rest of my life feeling like I was CHEATED OUT OF MY LIFE.
CHEATED out of so many things because two doctors were too stupid to care for my laboring mother correctly and it BROKE me. Anesthetic to make me permanently
Sedate.
Numb.
Damaged.
So when I think where my hopelessness in this moment is stemming from, I'm sure this anger is part of it. The human race defies the life it thinks it is to maintain.
I hate them.
Encased in a volatile passion.
The off the chart feelings violently spiking from one end to the other as if a bipolarity has been the cause.
It hasn't.
Not that I'm aware of.
Generally a happy person who is filled with rainbows, sunshine, smiles, and Unicorn farts- I truly have this hopelessness. From a psychotic standpoint: understandable. But from mine: inexcusable. annoying. relentless. painful.
After a suicide attempt, extensive rehabilitation, the discovery of devastating nerve damage, and finally feeling closer to God than ever you can see how both of these views can be true.
The nerve damage happened during birth effecting more than just a lazy lip that makes my smile look like a Nike swoosh. It effected the synapses in my brain. Deadened my |emotions| to the point where I felt only 4 things: Numb. Lonely. Frustrated. Content.
Literally.
That's it.
The "happiness" I felt was a copy of a copy of a copy- getting more faded with every weak smile, every laugh, every "I love you", every grand achievement I was supposed to feel pride from. It only made me feel fake. Like an artificial intelligence that was trying to make it in the human world but was aloof to the true differences between each being and herself.
[Feel fake] has the root |emotion| of loneliness. Which led to frustration. Which led to inevitable numbness. Numbness is where I spent a lot of time. Disassociating and letting my body go on auto-pilot so it would converse, eat, pee, sleep when it needed to and not have the brain with it. After all, all my other feelings weren't true so why would my conscious mind fret about what the body was doing when it could just shut off and float?
Twenty-two years I lived in this silent hell. Screaming. Grueling, painful, hopeless.
Think about how you think (assuming that your brain is wired correctly and you know what a genuine smile feels like and how it warms your heart and those who are around you) about your personal happiness. How it brings at least a small smirk or pulling of your brow bone to relieve a furrow. How it can make your fingers tingle and muscles loosen.
Now imagine being in a situation where you just got screwed over and learned something terrible and have nothing to do to alleviate it so you have to learn to cope. To become contented.
|emotion| .contentment.
Now imagine your entire life never feeling the warmth, never having the pleasant twinge, never having the excitement pulling at your own heartstrings to let you know that something beautiful just happened in you.
Imagine instead that it was that screwed over feeling like you'd been cheated out of something but you don't know what and you have no power to make a change in it so you put on a smile, though you don't really feel it because you know that a smile is what is required in that specific moment for that specific situation.
That is the closest I got to being "HAPPY"
Now before you go all sad sack worrying about my quality of life before this day, remember that I didn't know any different. As far as I was concerned, everyone reacted with painted faces because it's what was to be expected. In fact, it wasn't until I was sixteen that I learned that I was different and even then it was only because someone told me.
My father picked up on the fact that there was something very off about me and decided it was important to inform me of my shortcomings and disappointments.
News to me, Dad.
That's when my life tanked. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought I had been doing everything myself anyway so why allow anyone else to try and stick their dirty fingers into my open wounds? I didn't.
I fought.
Everything.
With any and all that I recognized I could.
|frustration| begat fury and malice.
|loneliness| begat singleness that I only belonged to me and no one else was allowed in.
|numbness| begat blank stares and scape goats from conversations I didn't want to listen to.
|contentment| begat the feeling that this is how I wanted it.
Never in my life would I wish this pain upon anyone. I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I was born so broken and beautiful that no one could have known that I didn't have a full life. The colors were dull. The conversations were chilly. The wonderful things that I thought I had learned were a copy of a copy of a (expletive) copy!!!
How do I feel about this now?
Cheated.
I will live the rest of my life feeling like I was CHEATED OUT OF MY LIFE.
CHEATED out of so many things because two doctors were too stupid to care for my laboring mother correctly and it BROKE me. Anesthetic to make me permanently
Sedate.
Numb.
Damaged.
So when I think where my hopelessness in this moment is stemming from, I'm sure this anger is part of it. The human race defies the life it thinks it is to maintain.
I hate them.
